THIS IS YOUR BRAIN
On October 25, I shared something called the “hand model of the brain” in our Kids Worship. Neurophysiologist and author Dr. Daniel J. Siegle came up with this helpful tool to explain how the brain works. I find his writing about the complex science of the brain very approachable, easy to grasp, and immensely helpful. So I hope this model might be helpful for you and your family, too.
My explanation of Dr. Siegle’s comprehensive and clear information is rudimentary at best, but my hope was to provide a quick overview and perhaps pique your curiosity to learn more.
Our brain can be divided in to three parts: the lower brain, mid brain, and upper brain. Here’s how you can see your brain using your hand:
Simply hold up your hand as if getting read to high five.
Then curl your thumb in and bring your top four fingers over your thumb. Voilá, the brain!
Hold it up to the side of your head thumb side toward your ear and you have an idea of what is inside that gorgeous head of yours.
So what is going on in each part of the brain?
Brain Stem / The line of tendons and veins going up your wrist and connecting into your palm represents your brain stem.
Lower Brain / Your palm represents the lower brain, where all your basic and automatic functions happen. You don’t have to think about your heart beating or breathing or digesting… your lower brain takes care of that subconsciously.
Mid Brain / The thumb connecting into your palm is the mid brain, including the hippocampus and amygdala (among other things). This is where we have our memories stored, our feelings of connection with our parents, and our fight-fright-freeze responses. Scientists often refer to this as our “mammal brain.”
Upper Brain / Lastly, our fingers represent our upper brain or cortex. This part develops after we are born and its aided in development by our experiences. As Dr. Siegle says, “it’s our mind.” This is home to our critical thinking, problem solving, planning, creative, beliefs, thoughts, and impulse control. It helps connect our entire brain together and make sense of our feelings and the sensations coming out of the mid and lower brain.
—
flipping your lid
Let’s dial in on that mid brain for a moment. Because when we are talking about the experiences of anger, anxiety, and depression, this is where it all happens.
There’s a reason it’s often called the “mammal brain” because it acts the same way animals react when they are frightened or in danger. And that is a good thing. When there is danger this is the response system we need to literally keep us alive.
However, when your brain starts to send us into fight, flight, or freeze — day in and day out — when you’re not in physical danger, it isn’t serving you in the way that God created it. It’s actually hurting you because it’s disconnecting the different parts of your brain.
Here’s what that means.
Dr. Siegel calls it “flipping your lid.” In the hand model, if you extend your fingers up towards the sky instead of having them connected down over your thumb, you can visualize the metaphor.
The upper brain disconnects from the mid brain and the lower brain, and you’re just left with these extreme sensations in your body. Your nervous system is firing on all cylinders. Your hands might shake, you feel agitated, rage takes over, your thoughts seem scattered, and you seem overwhelmed by the size of our feelings.
—
Giving Your Brain a Hug
What we want to do for our kids is teach them how to reengage the upper and lower brain. Dr. Siegel calls it “giving your brain a hug.” You can picture it by taking those extended fingers and wrapping them back down and around your thumb and palm. The “lid” is getting closed back down.
We can help our kids do this in a few ways…
1 / Take a Breath
First and foremost, encourage your child to take a deep calming breath. Invite them to visualize that “brain hug” taking place as they take a deep breath. When your child is triggered, there’s lots of big feelings and sensations in their body. And that can naturally lead them to burn with anger or spin out of control with anxiety.
So, instead you can guide your child to breathe deeply and let that healing oxygen into their brain. There is something very powerful in consciously breathing.
Helpful tip: use the “box breathing” technique, where you inhale 4 seconds, hold that breath in 4 seconds, exhale over 4 seconds, and hold 4 seconds before taking the next breath.
Side benefit: deep breaths can reengage the other parts of your body, too. Your ears work better, your eyes see more clearly, you can stand still, it can help realign your spine. Breathing deeply should never be underestimated!
2 / say the feeling by name
Next, you can help your child to name the feeling they are experiencing. Dr. Siegel says, “when we name it, we can tame it.” When can name the experience of our nervous system and even articulate what triggered it, we can move into having a new perspective. We can employ the upper brain to make sense of our experience.
For example, here is a helpful script:
Are you feeling really scared or nervous right now?
Are you so mad?
Listen to your body. What is it telling you right now?
3 / Shake it off
Now that you’ve encouraged your child to take deep breaths and identify their feelings, invite them to move their body. The nervous system response is a physical experience of these big feelings. Try to guide your child to identify “where in your body are you feeling these feelings?”
If your child can visualize where these sensations are parked, they might be able to move it out physically. If they feel it in their chest, give a gentle tap or trace a circle with your finger around their heart.
If they are mad, invite them to stomp their feet, jump up and down, or punch a pillow. If they are stressed, encourage them to walk with you in determined steps that are grounding feet to the floor. Together, you can roll your necks to release tension, or breathe deeply while you move your arms in a circle. Literally shake it off!
4 / Present and accounted for
This tool is my favorite! Ground your child in the moment by counting together. This is especially helpful with anxiety, because when you are anxious, you are worried about something that isn’t happening in the present. So, to counteract that feeling, you want to stay present in the moment. One way to do that is to be mindfully aware of what's going on around you. Take your child through this countdown:
Name 5 things for me you can feel.
Name 4 things you can see.
Name 3 things you can hear.
Name 2 things you smell.
Name 1 thing you can taste.
Help them to be specific and notice details using their senses. It is amazing. I use this all the time for myself and my family.
5 / The best medicine
Nothing feels better than laughing after a tense moment. It is a big tidal wave of relief to the nervous system. I am sure that is why so many people make jokes as a coping mechanism. A dolphin can only swim underwater for so long before it must come up for air. This is what laughter is to our systems.
Sharing a moment of laughter is incredibly healing. I find this one really useful with anger. The other day, my daughter Elizabeth and I were squared off in battle and I was not getting anywhere. I had tried to understand her anger and give her freedom to express it. I tried reasoning. I tried threatening. I tried coercing. Nada. She was locked down. Then, I started making silly faces while saying “I AM SOOOOOO MAAAAAD.” Quickly, she softened into giggles, as did I. After that we could really see and hear each other.
6 / To the Moon and Back
Last, and maybe most important (if I may rank them), you need to affirm your child. When they are lost in the big seas of emotion, what they need to know is that they are seen, known, and loved.
When you bring your child out of a tantrum, calm their nervous system, or are attuned to their big feelings of anxiety, sadness, or anger, make sure to let them know 1) you love them, and 2) they are safe. You are allowing them to experience — physically and tangibly — what God does for us. And as that happens, you are helping their upper brain to develop a little bit more. You are helping them associate this comforting experience of your love with the very character of God.
There is nothing more healing than when someone witnesses your most difficult or desperate moments… and right there, they meet you in love. When they say “I love you; I hear you; this is hard,” you are healing and renewing them, body, mind, and heart.
—
guard your heart and mind
The reason that I shared the “hand model of the brain” was because our story for Kids Worship was found in Philippians:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. —Philippians 4:8
As I thought about this verse and how you actually put it into practice, and as I reflected on its application in my life and my journey with anxiety, I wanted to connect this verse and the passage I mentioned earlier in this article:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. —Philippians 4:6
I didn't realize it at the time, but those two passages are stacked on top of each other! I didn't remember the reference of the anxiety verse until I opened my Bible to look at Philippians 4:8 and there both verses were right in front of me!
This chapter of Philippians is essentially God's instructions to us about our brains: how to calm our nervous systems and how to be at peace:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. —Philippians 4:4-9
In God’s presence, in His Kingdom, there is complete peace. Some day there will be nothing getting in the way of us experiencing the great and perfect love of our Heavenly Father. But for right now, our anger, our anxiety, and our sadness sometimes cloud over our experience of His great and perfect love. This passage of Scripture tells us when we get to know our brain, and we get to know how it works, we can move through our big feelings, calm our nervous system, and access the peace of God.
I find it so encouraging that God doesn't simply command us not be anxious, He tells us how. In fact, it’s not really a command, but an invitation for us. Because God knows how gut-wrenching anxiety is, how destructive unbridled anger can be, and how lost we feel when we can’t access comfort in our sadness. He wants us to bring Him all these feelings and, in return, calm us with His love.
My prayer is that in this upside-down time, we can perceive God’s beauty and creativity. We have an opportunity to find new ways of living and discovering wholeness. We won’t be able to do it alone. It is my prayer that we can find creative ways to go on this journey together, and lead our kids into that wholeness as well.
Please reach out with questions, prayer requests, or to share how you are doing! I would love to connect with you!
Much Love - Elisa
part ONE:
philippians and the brain
In Part One, Elisa Booker talks about living with anxiety, moving into freedom, living with integrity, and how to embrace your feelings.
MORE RESOURCES:
Finding Freedom
You can explore the entire “Finding Freedom” collection of resources for parents, including more articles, videos, and podcasts.
