Friends — I am checking in with you — How did the first few days of school go in your household?
Were there tears? Were they your tears? Were your kids embarrassed by you trying to hug them for the fifth time before saying goodbye at the school door? Was there a stew of feelings or pure excitement at the endless possibilities the new year brings? There are a million possible answers to this question and none of them are wrong.
But seriously, parents, how good is the beginning of the school year? What a gift!
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It’s Gonna Be Great
I am reading the Percy Jackson stories with my 8 year old Benjamin, who is headed into third grade. In the first book (and no spoilers here), Percy gets these three pearls from a nereid (sea nymphs from Greek mythology… not important but thought you’d want to know). The pearls are a gift to help him when he is in great need. When Percy shows them to his quest companion, Annabeth, she is like, “well great, but no gift comes without a price.” And he is all like, “nah, it’s gonna be great.”
Let me just say that Annabeth is the daughter of Athena, the goddess of wisdom. But I digress. What am trying to say is that, yes, the new school year is a gift. A gift of learning, a gift of friendship, a gift of time. Let’s all send up our collective cheer for the teachers of New York City… HURRAH!!!!
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The Emotional Shake-Up
Circling back to Annabeth’s point, this school year is a gift that does come with some strings. While the start of school might give you sweet hours in the day without someone asking you for a snack, it will also bring the great emotional shake-up for your kids.
It can be so easy to forget, but the beginning of the school year is hard. No, your kids did not just morph into overly-emotional aliens. The transition back to school is exhausting for them physically, mentally and emotionally. So, this note is to remind you to be gentle with them and yourself. You have done nothing wrong. This time of year is tough.
Your kids went from days filled with fun and being with you… to sitting in a classroom all day. A new classroom filled with kids they may or may not know. Teachers they (and you) probably don’t know at all. This means new expectations on your child: new school rules, new academic levels, and just a new rhythm of life.
Change is always a stretch for kids and this is a big one. Here are some things you might notice:
More emotional outbursts and bigger reactions
A loss of sleep or a hard time winding down
A reluctance to go to school
General clinginess to you
This is not an exhaustive list; there are other changes you might notice. Be prepared: this unrest may last for a bit (you can expect a rocky path for a month or two), because it takes time for kids to settle into the new school year. But be encouraged: it will get better and there are things we can do to help!
Let’s take a deep breath together. Right now.
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Helpful Rhythms and Conversations
Here are some recommendations of what we can do at the start of the school year:
Less Screen Time and More Playtime.
It might seem tempting to just let your child rest with a movie or a tv show after school or on the weekend, and for sure it’s not a bad thing to offer. However, kids process through play, so let them play out their emotions. Also, gross motor play helps them get those endorphins out of their body.
So, let them run it out before you’re in dinner and bedtime mode. Allow them time to use their imaginations to move those feelings through their bodies.Minimize the Importance of Homework.
Homework can be such a fight. You might be reading this and remembering how it felt when you were in school (“No mom, not spelling!”). And then at the same time we have to make sure our child puts in the work (cue the yelling).
Homework might be really important to your kids or even to their teachers (especially at the beginning of the year when the school is building expectations and routines). But as their parent, you can try to make it a really small deal. Minimize the stress; the school year just started.
And if your kids are younger (kindergarten, first grade), you can choose not to do it. Yup! I just said that. Your household has permission to say, “thanks but no thanks.” I promise: homework, in my opinion, is one of those battles we must choose very carefully. Especially at the start of the year.Talk Talk Talk.
Make lots of space for your kids to verbally process their emotions with you, if they want to. You can prompt them with opened ended questions or feeling-based questions:What made you the most nervous today?
When were you most excited today?
Did you ever feel super happy today?
Try to avoid using the question “What did you do today?” Your child might not remember the details and that can make them feel frustrated and shut-down the lines of communication. But they really will remember feelings! So you can lead with that.Deep Breaths.
Try to reinforce the art of breathing with your kids. You can even make it a fun game! Make a pinwheel spin. Blow bubbles. Teach them how to rainbow breath. We use tools like this at church (and have print-outs available to post on your fridge).
Breathing is a great way to center our bodies. You can remind your child that they can breathe anytime they need a centering moment: at school, on the playground, at bedtime.
We should never underestimate the power of breathing, both physically (inhale - bring in the oxygen our body needs; exhale - flush out the carbon dioxide from our system) and emotionally (inhale - peace of Christ; exhale - guard my heart and mind).Move Slow and Rest.
Try not to over-pack your household schedule at the beginning of the year. Everyone is going to need some extra down-time throughout the week.
Try to start bedtime early and draw it out longer than you have over the summer. The goal is to give your child’s nervous system time to calm down and truly rest. Snuggle, read stories, talk about feelings, pray together, and sing songs. A lot of the processing will come out at bedtime, so make sure to have time for it.Pray Together.
As I just mentioned, encourage your kids to share their experiences with God. Pray over them. And also let them know they can pray in lots of different ways. Remind them that prayer is a way to notice God is with us.
Try new creative ways to pray to! Maybe imaginative prayer or breath prayers (pickup one of these print-outs on an upcoming Sunday).
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Taking Care of grownup Yourself
Now for an important side note: we need all these things listed above, too. Because we are going to be the holding space for our kids’ big feelings. They are gonna need us to be really patient for a few months.
I can’t say it enough: Be gentle with yourself, go slow, this is all normal. Also encourage each other as fellow parents! When you see your friends who are obsessively retracing their steps trying to figure out what has caused their kid to throw themselves on the floor screaming because the pretzels for snack are the wrong shape… you can put your hand on their shoulder and say: “It’s not you, it’s school.”
I’m here for you friend. It’s gonna be ok.
So much love,
Elisa
Elisa Booker is Pastor of Children and Families at Trinity Grace Church and co-founder of Parent Well. Her littles, Elizabeth and Benjamin, keep her humble and exploring. She and her husband, Armistead, love names with more than seven letters and adventuring together around Brooklyn. She is passionate about seeing humans experiencing life free from shame and cooking really yummy food.
