My dear friends: I am thinking of you every day. For our elementary families, we have a week and a half of remote schooling under our belts at this point (deep breath)... and for our preschool families we are in month eight of balancing the demands of work and home all under one roof (another deep breath). And some are doing both (double deep breath).
Check in with your self… How are you feeling about it all?
On the first three days of school, I started to melt down. All the stress and fear from March came flooding back. It’s as if my brain was holding up huge signs in my head that said “YOU CAN NOT DO THIS” and “IT’S TOO MUCH.” As I came up for air, I slowly realized that this was in fact a new school year, a different time, and it will not be the same. I CAN do this. I’m not going to do this by myself. So more accurately, WE can do this together, even when we’re apart!
This week brings a new reality for some of our TGC families as some kids are entering their classrooms for the first time since March. It’s something so familiar, yet everything will be different: walking the halls, wearing a mask all day, learning with a much smaller group.
My 6 year-old, Benjamin, is so excited to go in. He’s been counting down the days. He is an extrovert through-and-through, but I wonder how he will feel when he experiences this new reality in person. Will he be sad? Will he be overwhelmed? Will he just adapt and soldier on? (deep breath) We will see.
The Nervous System — not something just running in the background
At first glance inward at ourselves (or at our kids), the answer to “How are you doing?” might not be immediately apparent. It might instead play out in the furious need to reorganize a closet, intentionally switching off screens and escaping to the park, or a nonsensical argument with your spouse. For your kids, the answer to “How are you doing?” might come out in temper tantrums, falling asleep at dinner, or restlessness in the middle of the night. There might not be a fully formed sentence to answer that question. Just a cornucopia of feelings bubbling up and out in behavior that is less than ideal for us and our kids.
But remember this: It’s normal, it’s frustrating, it’s good.
So, how do we walk forward with clear minds into month eight of this pandemic? Into a tumultuous election season? Into an eye-opening economic and climate reality? Into the imperative personal and collective work of racial justice. Into school being so different than how we imagined it would be. How in the world can we answer the question “How are you?” with any sense of authenticity?
First stop. Just for a moment: breathe.
Quiet your racing mind. How does your body feel? Is your heart pounding? Can you feel your fingers? Can you feel the firmness of the floor under your feet? Notice how the floor or chair or couch or bed is supporting your body. Take some deep breaths and check-in with yourself. Your nervous system just might need a minute.
When you first calm your own nervous system, *then* you can help regulate your kiddos. We all have mirror neurons that pickup on how the other person is feeling. Kids have them too. When your nervous system is calm cool and collected, you can help regulate theirs. If you are locked up in stress, they will mirror that instead. Kids won’t naturally be able to self-regulate. They need us to help.
The Whole Story — Words added to your illustration of feelings
So once you and your child’s nervous system starts to move from red hot to cool blue, help them to put words to their own story. What is the story of their feelings? You can ask specific questions about their day. You can encourage them to be curious about the feelings that are coming up for them.
For example: “What book did you read today? How did you feel about that story?”
You can also lead with feelings: “Did anything make you really happy today? Did anything make you mad, sad, embarrassed, shy, afraid, silly today? You can explore definitions of these feeling words with our Soul Words List (How We Love Our Kids, Milan & Kay Yerkovic, 2011).
Both of these are just examples of ways to help your child become self-reflective. I’m sure you can think of many more, and, over time, you might not have to prompt with these questions as much.
It’s normal for kids to respond to a question like “What did you do at school today?” With answers like “nothing” or “I can’t remember.” They are not being evasive! They might not remember what they did. When there are a lot of feelings in play, the mind sort of jumbles up our memories into a hazy fog with no specifics. But if you draw out the feelings, the memory connected to that feeling might just also flow out.
The physical presence of an invisible God
In thinking about everything you’ve read so far, here is one practical idea I want to give you.
Create space for an end-of-day cozy snuggle time with kiddo(s) one on one. Make it be the last thing you do before you say goodnight. Spend 10-15 minutes laying there in the quiet with your sweet kid. Take some deep breaths (in through your nose, reach up to the sky, hold it for 4 seconds, out through your mouth, hands back in your lap), and just chat quietly together.
Start by reminding them that you love them so much, and share with them one way they are made that you are so thankful for today. Give them space to talk. Silent space is ok. It’s needed and helpful. In the end, pray for them and pray with them. Bless the way they are made, bless their day, claim their sleep and rest in Jesus’ name. And leave them thinking about how deeply they are loved.
In those precious minutes, you are physically illustrating Psalm 46: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in need.” They will connect the feeling of being safe and loved with God’s heart for them in years to come. They will know deep in their souls that God loves every part of them and every feeling: the good ones and the hard ones. And, I bet the same will be in reverse. You will know just a little deeper how God sees and loves you, too.
Our current teaching series this fall is about the Beatitudes. These are a list of blessings that He declares over those apart of the Kingdom of Heaven. Blessings in the time of Jesus meant favor and flourishing. That you were someone. That you were seen, known and loved. (I’m paraphrasing.) And as Jesus works through these blessings in Matthew Chapter 5, we see that we are indeed seen, known, and loved, even in the moments where it FEELS the farthest from it.
Flourishing
My friends, I can venture a guess that “flourishing” (a word I have come to love) has felt elusive at best in these last eight months. At least for part of this season, or maybe every single day since March. But I can assure you that we serve a God who is very intent on our flourishing, no matter the season.
Flourishing is going to look different during the fall months than it did back in the spring. And it will look different this winter and next spring than it does now. Flourishing will look different for each person and each family. But how cool is that the God has a plan of blessing for us that is custom tailored to fit your past, present and future? It takes into account our whole story, and it will become the best one ever told.
So, as you lay down at night, let the last thing you do be crawling into the cozy lap of our perfect Heavenly Parent. The God who calls you by name. Let Him speak His blessing over your day, allow Him to calm your nervous system, ask Him to protect your rest, and remember that it is a good and perfect gift from Him. Then you can dream of what flourishing looks like for you right now.
Elisa Booker is Pastor of Children and Families at Trinity Grace Church Park Slope and co-founder of Parent Well. Her littles, Elizabeth and Benjamin, keep her humble and exploring. They along with her husband, Armistead, love names with more than seven letters and adventuring together around Brooklyn. She is passionate about seeing humans experiencing life free from shame and cooking really yummy food.
